HilariousMovieQuotes

Dale Doback: You know that one scene in The Wizard Of Oz... when the flying monkeys pull apart the scarecrow? That's what it was like.

Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?
Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.
Brennan Huff: Oh, he did?
Brennan Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?
Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
Brennan Huff: It was not silent.
Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.
Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.

Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Velociraptor.
Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Good Housekeeping.
Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?
Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: John Stamos.
Dale Doback: What?
Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends?
Dale Doback: Yep!
Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage?
Dale Doback: Yep!

Dale Doback: Okay, here's the shot out of the cannon: Oprah, Barbara Walters, your wife. You gotta fuck one, marry one, kill one, go!

Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!

Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!

Alice: Stay golden, Ponyboy.

Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.

Dale Doback: Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes " Oh my god, I've had the old bull now I want the young calf" and she grabs me by the weiner.
Dr. Robert Doback: Shut the fuck up!

Brennan Huff: I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

Alice: I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina.

Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!
Brennan Huff: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Nancy Huff: Brennan.
Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.
Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right...
Brennan Huff: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...
Nancy Huff: Brennan!
Brennan Huff: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!

Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.

Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.
Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Cal: You're gay, now?
David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?

Andy Stitzer: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night.

Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!

Jay: I am gonna hang your old ass by your turban.
Mooj: Oh, turban now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say 'Hey Jay, you want a Slurpee? You wanna Slurpee?' Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn, Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?

Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.

Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: No.
Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?

Waxing Lady: So this is your first time getting body wax?
Andy Stitzer: Yes. Yes, it is.
Waxing Lady: Take off your shirt.
Andy Stitzer: Ok.
Waxing Lady: Oh!
Waxing Lady: We gonna need more wax!
Waxing Lady: And cancel all my afternoon appointments!

Cal: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.

Andy Stitzer: I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.
David: What, masturbate?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. Are you kidding me? Why not?
Andy Stitzer: It's not a hobby of mine.
David: Well, then, that's the only hobby you don't have.

Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women.
Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I *am* the Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master. "Ooh, do me, Yo-Yo Master, I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!"

Trish: Hello?
Andy Stitzer: Hey, how you doing?
Trish: Um... how you doing?
Andy Stitzer: I'm well.
Trish: Who is this?
Andy Stitzer: This is... James.
Trish: James? Do I know you, James?
Andy Stitzer: I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent.
Trish: Are you a telemarketer, James?
Andy Stitzer: Yep.
Trish: Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head! Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Trish: All right, I'll see you later, James.
Andy Stitzer: Nice to talk to you.
Trish: Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.

Dale Denton: Oh, wow, you got a cute picture.
Saul: Oh, yeah, me and my bubbeh. Hey, let me ask you something. Do you think you could pull the plug on someone if you needed to? Like euthanasia?
Dale Denton: Like on her?
Saul: If I needed to.
Dale Denton: Um... I'm kind of in a hurry, man. I don't know if we should start going down that road. I could talk all day about euthanasia. Don't get me started.
Saul: Well, save it!
Dale Denton: We'll save it for next time. We'll keep it going.

Saul: What's up with the suit?
Dale Denton: Oh, I'm a process server, so I have to wear a suit.
Saul: Wow, you're a servant? Like a butler? A chauffeur?
Dale Denton: No, no. What? No, I'm not like-...
Saul: Shine shoes?
Dale Denton: I'm a *process server*!

Saul: This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had - and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked - this would the shit that they birthed.
Dale Denton: Wow. This is the product of baby fucking.

Saul: Smell it. SMELL it! Enjoy. It's like... God's vagina!
Dale Denton: Uhhh!
Saul: What, do you wanna bathe in it?
Dale Denton: I just want to live in here!
Saul: Yes, you wanna be it?
Dale Denton: Oh, my God, I just wanna shove it up my nose and have that smell all day. That's amazing! It's beautiful!
Saul: Shove it anywhere you like!
Dale Denton: What's it called?
Saul: Pineapple Express.

Dale Denton: He fucking killed him!
Saul: Who killed who?
Dale Denton: A cop, a lady, and a guy!
Saul: A cop, a lady, and a guy, man? That's like a massacre. You saw it?
Dale Denton: No, it was just a guy!
Saul: What happened to the lady?

Saul: Oh, sick! You threw up on my printer!
Dale Denton: I did.
Saul: You break it?
Dale Denton: I hope not.

Saul: Relax, man, just sit back and get ready to enjoy some of the rarest weed known to man.
Dale Denton: It's really that rare?
Saul: It's like the rarest. It's almost a shame to smoke it. It's like... killin' a unicorn... with, like, a bomb...
Dale Denton: Are you the only guy in town who has this? You're actually the only guy?
Saul: Yeah. My guy Red said he was givin' me an exclusive sneak preview.
Dale Denton: And am I the only guy who you sold it to; the other guys got snicklefritz?
Saul: Yeah. So *we're* like the only guys...
Dale Denton: And Red got this from Ted?
Saul: Ted's the man.
Dale Denton: ...Let's get the fuck outta here, man! Go! Go! Let's go!
Saul: What?
Dale Denton: Let's go! Go!
Saul: Why?
Dale Denton: Because! I threw a roach of this outside of Ted's house!
Saul: So what, man? I throw roaches all over the fuckin' town...
Dale Denton: No! No, no! He could find the roach and say it's Pineapple Express in here! SAUL! He's the only guy who HAS Pineapple Express! He must've seen the murder or know - let's fuckin' kill him!
Saul: Oh, fuck!
Dale Denton: Let's get outta here! Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop! Get weed! Get the weed!
Saul: Okay.
Dale Denton: Anything we might need: snacks, food, fruit roll-ups! Let's get the fuck outta here!

Dale Denton: Even if he found that roach, how could he find us?
Saul: Um... heat-seeking missiles... bloodhounds... and foxes... barracudas...
Dale Denton: I'm just - I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say things like that. It's weird.
Saul: Thank you.
Dale Denton: Not a compliment.

Saul: I'm cold...
Dale Denton: You're cold? Oh, I'm not cold at all. Here...
Dale Denton: ... I run hot.
Saul: Really?
Dale Denton: Yeah.
Saul: You got more...
Dale Denton: Thick blood.
Saul: ...body.

Saul: Let's roll, man! I'm done with the woods! Let's go! C'mon, man, let's get the fuck outta here!
Dale Denton: Okay... Uhh let's go... No... It's not working... the battery's dead.
Saul: Wait...! What do you mean, it's dead?
Dale Denton: What do I mean? I mean the battery's dead. The battery's dead!
Saul: No, no! What do you mean, the battery's dead?
Dale Denton: How can I explain this to you differently? The battery is dead. It ceased to live. It's deceased now. The car needs a battery to start, Saul.
Saul: How did this happen?
Dale Denton: Well we clearly fell asleep with the battery on and-...
Saul: Aw, man... Talk radio?
Dale Denton: Yes, talk radio.
Saul: So boring, man! The car just committed suicide.

Saul: Man, why'd we have to go to the woods?
Dale Denton: Well you didn't come up with any ideas!
Saul: Yeah, I came up with two! Nowhere and Quizno's.

Saul: Hey, look: it's like my thumb is my cock.
Dale Denton: That's not gonna get us a ride, man.

Dale Denton: In case you haven't noticed - which you haven't, 'cause from what I can tell, you don't notice anything ever - we are not very functional when we're high.
Saul: Well, I don't know, man. I think I'm functioning right now. I was, like, stoned when I saved you with those slushies. What do you gotta say to that?
Dale Denton: Well, that would be true if you had saved me. But you didn't save me. She was gonna help us, but you made things worse. Now we're wanted for all sorts of crazy shit!
Saul: Don't fucking get on my case, all right? Look, only reason I started selling pot is so I could put my bubbeh in a nice retirement home.
Dale Denton: Oh, yeah, she must be proud of you for that.
Saul: She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?

Saul: How about in the park, when I said you were my friend... you didn't say anything back.
Dale Denton: Well, that's easy. It's because we're not friends. You are my drug dealer. The only reason I know you is because I like the drugs you sell. If you didn't sell drugs, I would have no idea who you are, and I wouldn't be here right now. I would be fantastic!
Saul: Oh.
Dale Denton: I'm sorry, that sounded really mean... just to hear that, that sounded really mean.
Saul: No, I see. The monkey's out of the bottle now!
Dale Denton: What? That's not even... a figure of speech.
Saul: Pandora can't go back into the box - he only comes out

Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted Jones: Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted Jones: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...

Budlofsky: Hey! How about a little fuckin' discretion!
Matheson: What abo- you catch that? you see that? You use to not give a fuck about discretion. I seen't you break somebody's jawbone off! I SEEN'T it! You was ruthless man! ruthless!

Red: Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around. Think about a hermit crab, okay? And it's a shell. It's like, they go from one shell to the next. And that's what I am. I'm just a hermit crab changin' shells.
Dale Denton: Except if you're a dick your whole life, your next shell will be made of shit, okay? If you're an asshole, you're gonna come back as a cockroach or a worm or a fuckin' anal bead, okay? If you're a man and you act heroic, you'll come back as an eagle. You'll come back as a dragon. You'll come back as Jude Law, okay? Which would you rather be?
Red: Maybe the anal bead, depending on who it belongs to.
Dale Denton: Belongs to me.
Red: Then the dragon.

Red: I'm trying to decide how stoned I am and just how on the verge of death am I right now. Like, am I seeing shit because I'm stone or because I have no blood left in my body.
Dale Denton: Well, you've been shot like seven times.